Do it... I dare you

"I can't tell you what it really is


I can only tell you what it feels like

And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe

I can't breathe but I still fight all I can fight

As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight "
 
I cant continue to be pushed. I cant continue to be FUCKED OVER. i cant continue to be mind fucked. I'm so fucking angry. Ive NEVER had this much anger in my body. Its like a volcano bubbling inside me and it has no where to go... I want to punch something. I want my fist to meet flesh, or a wall. I want something to turn black and blue. I want to run. I want to run until my legs give out and I cant feel a damn thing. I want to run so fucking far, I dont come back to this hell. I want to get out of this state. Too many memories. Too many bad things happened. the mental, physical and emotional ABUSE. repeatedly. Fot those of you that say "youll get over it in time" fuck you. You dont a thing ive been through. I've been living my last two years being controlled. and now that im free, i'm not taking shit...from anyone. So go ahead., try and knock me down, You won;t be here tomorrow if you do.
 
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn


Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

Well that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie"

Feelings

 I have so many emotions flowing through my body right now. I'm happy, I'm sad, i'm scared. I want to love, I want to hate, I'm confused. I honestly don't know how to feel.

  I'm happy for new beginnings, and fresh starts, summer, all of the possibilites. I'm sad because some things have come to end, things I didn't want, but that had be done. I want to love. I want to you, the one person who is always going to be my heart, but you won't let me. I want to be loved. I want to hate the people who have hurt me. I'm confused as to why I can't. Why i don't have an ounce of hate in my body.

Guess I'll start to figure it out soon enough...

Quotes

Quotes I find interesting from my favorite book "Along For The Ride"

'"Life is full of screwups," he said, chucking another paper ata spilt level before taking the corner. "You're supposed to fail sometimes. It's a required part of teh human existance."'

"It was so risky and so scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful. Maybe the truth was, it shouldn't be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It's the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something's difficult to come by, you'll do that much more to make sure it's even harder-if not impossible-to lose."

"It was like reaching out for someone's hand, then missing their fingers, or even their arm, and hitting their shoulder instead. But no matter. You hang on tight anyway."

"You couldn't just pick and choose at will when someone depended on you, or loved you. It wasn't like a light switch, easy to shut on and off. If you were in, you were in. Out, you were out. To me, it didn't seem complicated at all. In fact, it was the simplest thing in the world."

Am I wrong?

I try and hold it all together and not breakdown. I tryto stay strong for my friends, but its so hard when i feel like theres no one there for me. I'm there to pick them up when their down, and there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on. I feel likeI don't have that.

I feel selfish wishing i had it. I only do it becuase i should, and im beinga good friend and should want nothing in return, but when im feeling so down, i wish i had someone there for me. To talk too, to listen, and not judge me for what i need to say...

I want all this, but I know tomorrow, I'll wake up, and lif my head and do it all over again, feeling the same this time of night..

Follow your Heart

There's always that one person. That one person, that breaks your heart, shatters it into a million tiny pieces, and yet, you still love them with all your might.

You give them everything you have, every ounce of you, every fierof your being, and its still not enough. They leave you or treat you poorly, rgardless of what you say or do.

This is not for me, but for the thousands of girls out there that know what i'm talking about. Theres confusion in your heart. Should I stay? Should I move on? Maybe he'll come back to me..

All I have to say is follow your heart. The heartache and pain... It takes time to heal, but youll learn eventually you made the right choice. you'll just know.

So for now, follow your heart.

I'm Not a Princess, This Ain't a Fairytale

Life isn't a fairytale. A handsome prince isn't going to come and save me, and sweep me off my feet. I wish.. but this is reality.

Reality... something i've finally come to see. Relationships don't always work out, and you dont't always end up with your first true love. You will hurt and be hurt. You will love and you will fight. You will be strong, and you will be weak. Its not like when you were younger and your mom would kiss your boo-boo and you would magically feel better. If you get hurt so badly by love, it will be a crippling pain, that could possibly take years to over.

I'm still having tough days, and I know i will take a while to get over everything that happened. There are days when i'm okay and i don''t mind not talking to anyone. Then there are days when I can't stand not talking to him. Its like Someone has an iron hand and issqueezing my heart. It gets hard to breathe and I panic. I should be used to this feeling by now,but it still gets me everytime. I admit, there are times, when things get so hard, that i still cry myself to sleep at night. But those nights are slowly dwindling down

I'm starting to get a hang of no having you in my life constantly. I miss you so much, but i'm trying to do what you asked. Let go and move on. I depended on you too much. And i showed, that I could never do anything on my own or for myself. I should have been stronger, and more independent. I;m trying to gain my friends back. I lost so many. I don;t know how long it'll take, but i'm tryng to get the ones back that i knew were there for me, the same ones i pushed away when they told me things weren't right.

I have my good days and my bad days. I can't say that I'm fuly or truly happy yet, but i'm slowly getting there. It will take some time, but I hope toget there soon enough..

The Mirror

What do you see when you look in the mirror? What comes to mind? What do you think about?

Answer that on your time but here's what I see:

My face:

I see a girl with straight hair, knowing she would wear it naturally curly more often.

I see a girl with pimples here and there, wishing for a clearer complexion.

I see a girl with a nose, just like her fathers, and lips like her moms.

Over all I see a pretty girl, who wishes some things would change, but then again, who doesnt?

My upper body:

When I look at my arms, I see muscles, then I realize that they are deformed bumps, die to the fact im lazy, and dont change my injection sites.

When I look at my chest, i see small breasts, I'm fine with the size they are.

When I look at my stomach, i see something that could be flattened, but again, I have bumps.

My lower body:

I examine my ass, and I see how big it is. Im not happy with it. If it was toned i would be fine, but its just flappy.

I examine my thighs, and once again see the bumps, and the jiiggle.

I get all the way to my toes, and I know the worse part is coming

Deeper than skin:

When I look in the mirror, I see a girl whose spoiled,and has gotten everything she asked for

I see a girl, who takes people for granted, uses them, hurt them.

I see a girl who has, lied, and decieved, and continued to lie.

I see a bitch. I see the person who deliberately did things because she wasn't getting what she wanted.

I see a girl who is not confident in everything she does.

I see a girl, who has so much potential, yet doesn't use it.

She wants to succeed, she just... doesnt know how to go about it...

Now, its your turn. what do you see?